my dear Ruth
it is so hard to find words for this
the two greatest extremes in my life
the cruellest and most crushing of disappointments and
within a few days a boundless joy that really defies words

these few years have been exciting, frightening and beautiful and so much more
long periods away from home
out on the road watching him in action and
wow what action

i understand how difficult it is for many to believe
i was there and sometimes I pinch myself
did it all really happen
all those sick people, people who were really ill made well and they are still well

not just sick people but people without a sign of life left in them
i know it sounds mad but dead people i actually know some of them their funeral was ready
he touched them and they were better and sometimes he made a paste with his spittle and
earth
my favourite thing about him, the thing i will never forget his gaze pure love

of course he was always in danger they were always trying to set him up
he made them really mad especially when he said your sins are forgiven
and what enraged them most was when he spoke of God as his Father
but you just knew he could not say anything else because it was the Truth

when i came home after being with him for weeks i could talk of nothing else
what he said was very challenging and to live life as he taught would not be easy
you could listen to him forever and for the first time in my life it all made sense
we were disturbed by him but in a good way we knew how loved we are

i always had to go back to hear more in the beginning like Nicodemus I was worried about
others
soon that did not matter though it was too important to hear him and see him and in a strange
way
the most important thing was to be seen by him that was the best of all
you just knew he knew you and understood you and loved you

our hopes were so high but i am not sure what i expected in Jerusalem
some still thought he would overthrow the Roman bastards that we hated but not me
but i thought he might show his power and it killed me smashed my heart in pieces
to see how he died battered bloodied beaten and his pitiful cry at the end

i ran like the others and vomited and ran again and vomited some more and then hid
i hid not really frightened more broken and let down and crushed with disappointment
i was never as angry as i was yesterday when some of our crowd said they saw him
they saw his wounds he is different but not dead yet we saw him die but they saw him alive
again

i raged against them for daring to awaken my hope but i cannot believe i write these words
he is appearing to our group and i fear you will think me mad he was with us on the lake shore
he cooked and ate with us we are laughing and dancing since actually i cannot stop crying
tears of joy all is changed forever his is the victory death itself has been beaten Alleluia!!!
your cousin Bart


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