IN MY DARKEST HOUR

In my darkest hour I feel the burden of shame,
I am haunted by bad decisions,
Those I have hurt come out of the depths.

In my darkest hour I become aware of the badness I am capable of,
My head is jammed with the cotton wool of guilt,
Fists clenched my breathing shallow,
I fear punishment, retribution, justice.

In my darkest hour joy eludes me,
Hope is hard to find.
How long will I be shackled to the past?

In my darkest hour I feel the curse of the lone magpie:
One for sorrow, not seeing, not knowing, not caring that
Close by there is a second, a third and a fourth.

Joy..a girl..a boy!
In my darkest hour I wonder which comes first,
Shame or Death?

Which to fear most?
In my darkest hour all peace is gone,
Happiness sucked out of life,
Will I feel well again?
Will there be normality once more?

In my darkest hour I lose everything.
I lose everybody.

In my darkest hour there are no hugs,
No squeeze of the hand,
No whisper of reassurance.

In my darkest hour I ache for the words
‘I still love you,’ but the silence grows and swallows me.

In my darkest hour all my fears surround me,
They close in on me,
Sneering at me they watch me wobble,
They hope for my fall.

In my darkest hour
In my darkest…..What’s this?

In the distance a small but strong light
Coming ever closer…
Nearer I sense Jesus,
Lantern in one hand,
Oil in the other.

My darkest hour fades.

As Jesus approaches
Darkness dwindles and with it Fear.
Light gently caresses me, and the balm he brought soothes…